So there we were, kids, under the town of Lavender Lake, in a magical series of caves filled with lightning and giant rock-hard obelisks that made Tiberius break out into a suspicious cold sweat. All that stood between us and the secrets of the magical lake above were a series of deadly traps and hideous creatures that wanted nothing more than to see us eat dirt. Because they tripped us. Into the dirt. Then they ran away. Of course, these gremlins were no match for the mighty Vergil! Once I led the charge and the gremlins failed every attempt at tripping me, they ran in fear of the indomitable girth that is the great Vergil.
See, it was a showdown between the gremlins and I. There I stood, sword-hand at the ready. There they crawled along the ground, being green and short and ugly, very similar to a new ally to which I’ll introduce you in a second. My eyes narrowed as theirs met mine. “AFLOOBIKOOP KOOP” they yelled, as they charged simultaneously. Now, remember how I had my sword-hand at the ready? Okay, maybe I didn’t. As their measly arms grasped at my legs, I stood tall. I stood proud. I stood… Vergil. I didn’t even have to say a word. I did. Or maybe I said two. But I didn’t have to. I could see the look of terror in the eyes of the gremlins. Never before had they met one so strong as Vergil. Realizing the dire mistake they were making by grabbing at my stylish clothes, they ran like…
What? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh. What? Of COURSE I wasn’t going to use another chicken analogy. I don’t know what it is with you guys, but it’s not like I use one every time someone runs as if they’re fearful of-. Oh, fine.
They ran away, scared.
See how unexciting that is? I had a good one, there, too, but you’re not going to hear it.
They ran away, leaving only the obstacle of lightning bolts and odd round floaty balls, which also seemed to excite Tiberius’s-…. what? No! Stop it. His heart rate. Seemed to excite Tiberius’s heart rate. I don’t know where you guys are coming from with all these complaints about my analogies. Tiberius just probably has a fear of floating arcane mystical energy orbs, or something. Don’t look into it that much. You guys are disgusting. Let me finish the story.
Anyway, after we passed through the dungeon, touching as many balls and obelisks as we wanted (some of us more than others), we came to the grand old boss of the dungeon, some giant guy who liked to trip people. Yeah, I know, right? Pretty cool, giant guy who likes to make people fall and then laugh about it while they stain their new pants that they literally just got that is made of the finest cloth available in this part of the country at this part of the year that’s in limited stock but no he has to go and get dirt stains on them because he’s a jump-up-to-never-jump-down frog walloper. Anyway, I don’t quite remember what else he did, except fall over and die pretty quickly.
Anyways, after we toppled the toppler, for my bravery and courage in the caverns, I was given a spear of old, which, I might add, can reach twice as long as Tiberius’s sword
and about 32 times the length of his sword. As well, I was given the ability to make fuller use of my innate arcane bardic abilities. In fact, I made a little tale about them, but unfortunately, none of you can speak the language in which it is told. It is an ancient language, the name of which can barely be pronounced in our language. The closest I can come to saying it so that you may hear, is “gaym meckh anix.” It’s a beautiful language, so just listen, and don’t be concerned about what the foreign words mean.
Alright, so I’m gonna explain a couple key mechanics of how I work now. I have an aura 5 that is the basis of most of what I do, and revolves around my singing. Outside of 5, you probably can’t hear me. Twice during an encounter (but once per turn), any ally in the aura, including me, can use a minor action to use my healing ability on either him or herself or an adjacent ally. So, choose well if you use it. As well, I have several mysterious songs that I will sing that grant benefit to an ally of my choosing in the aura when I strike an enemy with a basic (yet powerful) thrust of my spear. This basic thrust really highlights the point of my song and allows some kind of benefit to whoever has been nice to me recently and has given me presents of food or other niceties. You may feel more temporarily beefy or perhaps more powerful. Remember, only those who can hear my song and are paying attention can be granted such inspiration. Finally, I have a few special songs that I only take out maybe once a day that will greatly benefit anyone who can hear them, or greatly discourage any enemy who can hear them, so stay close, and give me food and nice things.
Wasn’t that beautiful? And though none of you understood a single thing I said, I’m sure you all feel a little more knowledgeable and inspired. What a wonderful parting gift. And with that, I’ll see you next time.