So, we hit the road with Tibbers leading the way. After Tiberius’s knuckles were sore, we decided to travel down the road, instead. Since I was carrying some newly acquired pieces of
chicken ordinary meat in my pack, I was in good spirits. The rest of the party was in good spirits, as well, it seemed! I know Tiberius thoroughly enjoyed our swordplay that night, and Johnny’s skin seemed to glow with a shine that said, “I might be growing some bioluminescent moss.”
Not longer after we started traveling, we came across a dead end and a house full of bugbears through which seemed to be our only way forward. The bugbears, being the kind, sentient race that they are, welcomed us in with open arms. “Come in friends!” they said. “Enjoy our fine wine and imported cheeses!”
My allies were slightly skeptical of this offering of peace to complete strangers, but not Ol’ Vergil. See, I don’t know if you know this, but I am actually quite experienced with the ways of bugbears. Many people see these ugly, yet adorable, creatures as savages. Haha! I see the doubt in your eyes. You’re saying, “Vergil! Bugbears are nothing but unintelligent neanderthals!”, to which I respond, “You know. Every time we talk, you always do this. We discuss this every time. I’m RIGHT HERE! You DON’T HAVE TO YELL AT ME! By the Three Sisters! By the way, what’s a neanderthal?”
Well, with that out of the way, let me explain how actually sophisticated bugbears are. Notice the fine house the bugbears were sporting? Notice how it wasn’t a raggedy hut put together accidentally by throwing sticks around? Well, that’s because the bugbears probably didn’t build it. HOWEVER! They WERE living in it. And they had imported cheeses! That’s right, imported cheeses.
Now, where was I? Right. The bugbears had just offered us some of their best wine and imported cheeses. It’s not a well known fact, but bugbears are of the most hospital, well-spoken, and amiable of all living things. I knew this, of course. After all, I can sing at least 3 ditties about heroic and kindly deeds of bugbear heroes. You don’t think I can? Remind me later; I keep getting distracted. Anyway, I kindly accepted their offer of food and drink, as I had become quite parched in my travels. However, my fellow companions, though goodhearted as they are, wouldn’t have any of that.
“RRAHHEEE HUURR DUUUUUUUHHHHHH” shouted Tiberius, as he struck the glass of wine out of my hand with his large yet surprisingly unimpressive sword. “DUHHHH FSHHHH PLCKOOOOOOO” He stated profoundly, as he struck down the nearest bugbear. Of course, being the socialites that they were, the bugbears were little match for such a barbarian and his attacks. Nevertheless, the bugbears readied their weapons and prepared to defend themselves.
“Clearly, friends, this is a misunderstanding. You have to realize-,” I started, trying to dissolve the conflict peacefully. Unfortunately, I did not finish, for the next thing I knew, there was a rather large battle axe lodged thoroughly in my back. I quickly fainted in self defense. What? Yes, I suppose the battle axe belonged to a bugbear. He… I don’t know. Probably tripped into me or dropped it in fright or something. I’m sure it was just a silly mistake.
Next thing I know, Frey is helping me stand up, Three Sisters bless the oaf, who coincidentally isn’t as handsome as Vergil. We quickly exited the premises, though I am fuzzy on how exactly the conflict resolved itself. I’m sure the bugbears managed to talk my friends down from their unwarranted rage, and everything was handled peacefully. Now, to be honest, I don’t remember much after that. Mostly, I just remember this amazing dream I had. Oh, man, you’re going to love this one. I know I did. See, I was stabbing Tiberius in the face repeatedly with my long sword. Of course, there was some kind of creature on Tiberius’s face, so I was simply doing the friendly thing and repeatedly trying to stab through it. Hoho! I know what you’re thinking. “How do you know there was a creature on Tiberius’s face? Was he suddenly not so ugly?” Well, no, friends. See, he was actually… brace yourselves, fragile women, EVEN UGLIER THAN BEFORE. Yes, yes, I know. No, sir, calm down. Please, no, you’ve had enough ale. No, get out of that noose, I didn’t mean to scare you. See, that’s how I knew it was a dream. After all, we all know that there is nothing on this planet more disgusting than Tiberius’s face. I mean that in the friendliest way.
Well, when I finally woke up, I was in a strange town. Yes, a strange town, indeed. It was, I think, called Greenlake, named after… well, honestly I’m not sure. It may be coincidence, but there was an oddly tinted body of water out back behind the town store. Weird, right? Well, here’s something weirder: When I woke up from my axe-induced nap, Tiberius had a child! What? No! NO! No. No, he had a child years back, and the the child apparently just found him, and decided to travel with him. Yes, that’s what I thought. And kids, this is exactly why I never encourage young children and women to drink any risky amount of alcohol in one sitting. Because, if your defenses are down, and Tiberius has been drinking, well. He might not know the difference, and neither might you! Let’s just say I’ve heard stories.
Anyway, it’s getting late, and I’ve kept you for longer than I usually do. Next time, I’ll tell you about how I went swimming in that suspiciously green water, and how I totally DID NOT DROWN. Yes, that’s a tale for next time.