And that’s how I single-handedly defeated the giant enemy crab that was threatening the entire lake-side village.
What? Oh, right. I did get a bit side-tracked there, didn’t I? Anyway, where was I?
Oh? The poison? What poi- Oh. Oh, right. Okay. Right.
Well, as it were, I had been stung! Yes, that’s right. Ol’ Uncle Vergil had fallen susceptible to the sting of a deadly crab. Or wasp. Might have been a wasp. I think it had pincers, but it was definitely flying.
There I was, stung by a giant enemy waspcrab, its huge, horrible pincerstingers piercing my delicate, pretty flesh. But, you’d be a fool to think that Vergil succumbed to the poison without a fight!! Ho ho ho, no. I fought alright. I turned right around and stung that waspcrab with its own stinger, while it was still attached and piercing my delicate, beautiful lizardflesh. Then I was unconscious.
So I awoke! I awoke in excruciation! Pain paralyzed me as I lay barely conscious in a bed. Oh, how I had longed for a bed. But I couldn’t enjoy the bed! No, see, I was still badly poisoned. So poisoned, in fact, that I was about to die. My comrades were in tears. They huddled in the corners of the room with their blankets, suffering from existential dread of what might happen if they were to lose their best pal Vergil. Only Barkus stood by my bedside, whispering sweet nothings into my ear to lessen the pain.
“Oh Barkus,” I said. “Barkus! Everything has been taken away from me so suddenly. I see only nothingness before me. Big, dark, square-like nothingness.”
I squirmed in my bed as the fever took a stronger hold upon my then-fragile will.
“Tell me, Barkus,” I whispered, as Barkus leaned closer to hear my final words, “What happened to my children?”
“You never had any children.” Barkus stated, comfortingly. His voice was strong and warm, and his dog-like breath smelled of roses and grog.
“Thank you, Barkus,” I could feel the tension in my body growing. I reached out to Barkus and grabbed him by his neck, pulling him closer. “You must tell them, Barkus!”
“Tell them what, Vergil?” Barkus inquired. His words surrounded me like a mid-summer’s morn.
“Tell them… that…” I coughed.
“Tell them that I always hated Tiberius.”
I coughed as my final words escaped my mouth, free from the suffering in which I was. My soul longed to join them. However, fate was not done with me. Barkus leaned forward, shouting at the top of his doggy lungs, “Vergil! They shall not have you! Let us do… the thing!”
“The thing, Barkus?! Are you sure?!”
“Yes, Vergil! We must combine!!!!”
My trembling arm reached for his cannon-like appendage. I grasped him firmly with what little strength I had left. Suddenly, a flash of light blinded those in the room, just for a second.
“Fusion!” Barkus and I shouted in unison, “Fuuuusionnnnnn HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A yellow aura engulfed us as the sheer power of our combining pushed everyone in the room back against the walls.
“URRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” I stated calmly, as Barkus and I merged into a single glowing ball of light.
“HHHHHHRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGUUUUUUUHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFPOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP,” Barkus retorted gentlemanly, as the single glowing ball of light exploded.
When the light had gone, only one figure remained: It was I, Verg-barkus, the Omega Bard, who henceforth would be referred to simply as Vergil. Although I looked exactly the same as before, I was stronger. I had the power of Barkus within me! As well, the poison was temporarily out of commission by strength of Barkus, alone. With a half grin, I produced in my right hand the cure for my poison, which I had retrieved single-handedly while everyone else in the room had been knocked unconscious by the blinding light of Barkus and my combining. I dramatically drank my share of the potion and passed it on to other insignificants who had also been stung by the giant pincerstinger of the waspcrab.
Having saved the day once again by myself without the help of others, I decided to take a well deserved vacation by browsing all the fun goodies that the traveling vendors had in the village. Also, I had to feed Tiberius. He was getting hungry again, and would starve if I didn’t guide him to some sustenance. I really can’t take him anywhere, you know.
STAY TUNED UNTIL NEXT TIME, FOR MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES IN