Vergil’s Lessons in Taking Care of Your Cube by Vergil
Episode 1: The Bare Necessities
So! You’ve got yourself a new companion, eh? A tiny little gelatinous cube, and now you’re wondering the right way to take care of it, so you’ve come to ol’ uncle Vergil for help. Well, you’ve come to the right place, for Vergil knows a thing or two about takin’ care of your cube.
Well, first thing’s first! Say hello to your new companion.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Vergil! Why should I say hello to my cube?” Well, first of all, you’re going to have to say my name out loud if you wanna get my attention, not just think it. I’m not psychic. Second of all, you want to say hello to your cube because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together, and cubes have feelings too. Now, there are some who might say that cubes don’t have feelings because, technically, they’re mindless. To those some, I say,
you retarded little pricks can go fu uh, let’s agree to disagree like the gentlemen that we are. I mean, we thought that humans didn’t have feelings because they’re mindless, and after having travelled with one, well, I’m still not so sure.
So. The theme of today’s lesson in cube-raising is basic needs. Remember that your cube has needs, just like you do. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Vergil! What do cubes eat? They’re cubes!” And again, I told you to say these questions out loud if you want answers. I’m getting tired of this, and I can’t just go and read your mind for you every time you have a predictable question. Anyway, luckily for you, what cubes eat is very simple! They eat just about anything organic.
So, go out there and find out what organic foods your cube likes to eat! Experiment! Try different things, and most of all, be creative! I’m sure you’ll figure out something.
Next up on the checklist, my friends, is hygiene. Now, you might be thinking, “Vergil! How do I clean my cube? Won’t it eat me?” Well, I’m not even going to answer that, because now you’re just being rude and inconsiderate.
After a good meal, make sure to take your cube for a walk! Or a slide. Or whatever. Just take it places. That way, the cube will have plenty of space to dispose of any non-digestible and inedible material that might have come with your choice of food.
After all, you don’t your new friend to get indigestion! Also, remember that cubes especially love strolls through their most natural of environments, hallways and corridors. Although they prefer the usual 10 × 10 corridors, cubes have a tendency to adapt to their environment, so don’t worry if your corridor isn’t quite as large as Vergil’s. Though, I wouldn’t go around bragging about it.
Anyway, that’s all you need to know to get yourself good and started on taking care of your new and very best friend. Next time, Vergil will give you some pro tips on some of the more complicated aspects of cube-raising, such as
Romance – “How do I tell when my cube is in love?”
Rebellion – “Why does my cube come home so late? Are his friends a bad influence on him?”
Size – “Aren’t cubes supposed to get big? So why is mine still so small?”
Dimensions – “Is my cube actually a cube? I think it may be a rectangle in disguise!”
Until next time, friends!