So there we were, friends, faced with the villains of our not-so-distant-maybe-like-two-days-ago-or-something past. Their swords at the ready, they snarled at us, ready to strike at our throats, knowing we were weak from our previous encounters. Luckily for my comrades, Barkus and I were there to save the day. Between us, we had the height of five dwarves, and the strength of a hundred. We drew our weapons and commanded our foes to stand down or be buried in their neighbor’s yard in an inconspicuous location under that one tree that the children like to swing on, like the garbage that they were. The grimaces faded from their faces into fearful, sadder grimaces, and Barkus and I knew that the day was ours.
“Vergil, spare us,” They said. “Please, sheath your weapons less we lose our pitiful lives for naught!”
Being the kind and merciful bard that I am, I sheathed all of my weapons and let them guide us to their leader. They took us through a nearby cave filled with vortexes and portals and lions, oh my. Finally, we entered portal after portal and traveled through the nether realms once again to find ourselves face-to-face with some ugly midget who didn’t know much at all about what was going on. After I filled him in, he proceeded to be kidnapped by four elemental beings. Overall, it was a pretty boring encounter with not enough fighting and singing and dancing for my likes, but as an adventurer, you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes, those sacrifices are talking to short people. Take that note home with you, kids, but remember that sometimes these sacrifices are worth it, if you want to be a mighty adventurer like Vergil, here.
Also, throughout the entire conversation, I had this eerie feeling that someone was watching me. Do you ever get that? I mean, it’s natural to look at people who are looking at you, but sometimes you’re just looking around, then someone looks at you because you’re looking at them, or at least you were looking around them, because you’re just looking at things, and then since they looked at you, you look at them, and then you’re looking at each other, and you don’t know if they looked at you and then you looked at them, or if you were looking at them and they knew you were looking at them so they looked at you, or maybe they just think that and so now they think you’re some kind of creep or something, but in actuality what if they were looking at you just to look at you and then it’s all weird because no one likes being just looked at.
Yeah, I get that feeling too sometimes. Anyway, after the goblin got himself kidnapped, four monstrosities of thorns and weeds grew around the exit portals of the room. Quickly, we readied our swords and found ourselves in a strange alliance with our enemies. After all, the enemy of my enemy is a giant wall of thorns. Something like that, anyway. So we valiantly fought the monsters guarding our exits. However, as an eldritch mist filled the room, members of our party began to disappear. Sadly, Barkus was taken by the mist, and I found myself in a frenzied rage. We fought our best, but in the end, we failed… barely. We weakened the strange thorn creatures greatly. We could sense that had we gotten another blow before we were taken by the mist, we could have made a valiant escape. Thus, you can imagine my suspicion when I saw that one of my own party members, Frey, had stopped fighting while we held the advantage. It was a strange sight, but insightful; I knew that from that moment on, I could not trust him. And here is another lesson for you: You must always know who you can trust, and who you cannot.
Speaking of which, I woke up in a strange cave after the mist had teleported me. My friends were nowhere to be found. Tiberius was there, though. Yes, yes, I know. You’re wondering: why? Were the fates playing a cruel joke on me? Had karma caught up with your favorite handsome lizard? Well, despite his ugliness and stupidity, Tiberius proved to be a trustworthy ally. We fought foe after foe, slashing and slicing our way through the cave. Well, mostly I slashed and sliced. Tiberius got a couple of them, I guess. See, to establish rapporte with your amigos, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Starting to see a common theme, here? If I had killed all of them, do you know how sad Tiberius would have been? And come on, I just really did not feel like dealing with crying at that moment.
So Tiberius and I killed our fair share of cave-dwelling ruffians, only to encounter a couple of our new but foul-spirited “friends” being very “friendly” in a cave together. After they composed themselves, we made our way onward through the cave, only to find ourselves back in the room that took us via portal to the ugly midget. You know, the one that got kidnapped. Anyway, things were a bit different this time; no portals. Of course, from there on, things did get interesting, but that’s another tale, for another time.