Where was I? Oh yes, we were stuck in a void of space and darkness. Well, we went through that quite easily. There were some monsters and what have you, but surely you don’t want to hear about that. Sure, I dispatched all of them quickly and with finesse, but I like to keep my stories humble, so I will not give you the details of my triumphs. No, I see it in your eyes; you yet still crave stories of my long lost companions, Tiberius, the dog, and Cornelius. Well, you’re in luck, for it was not long after my departure from space that I once again met my faithful metal hounds.
When we had gotten bored of space and decided to leave, we ended up back about where we had started; we were outside the old building with the locus that was so sought after by wickedest of groups and peoples. However, everything was quite different this time around. War surrounded us. Oh, also a wall of fire. A wall of fire also surrounded us. But mostly war. The Goggle Gnome’s army had assaulted, and the necromancers, devils, and what have you were all doing their part to make sure that his army met a quick death. Walls of bone and flesh divided the battlefield. Skeletal colossi towered over dwarf-clones foolish enough to go near them. Some hideous, gargantuan tentacle-thing wiped out dwarves by the dozen. Anyway, I must be boring you; it was all the average things of war. Let me get to the good part.
When we arrived, we were assaulted by nine, nay, twenty dwarves. Each raging with bloodlust, each with the beard of a hundred dwarves. If you count it, that’s around twenty-hundred beards. My companions began to cower behind me. “Save us, Vergil!” they would shout. I had no choice to oblige, even though I knew the odds were grim. Normally, I don’t like to fight more than fifteen dwarves at a time by myself, and I was feeling particularly down that day. Needless to say, I was not looking forward to the coming battle. However, I knew what I had to do, and so I did it. I evaded the strike of the first dwarf who swung at me. I quickly countered with a sweep to his leg and a slash at his axe-hand, severing it completely. Before the dwarf could breathe another breath, I mercifully slid my longsword through the dwarf’s neck, ending his cursed existence. Unfortunately, the second dwarf was already upon me, and the tides of battle were not in my favor.
All of the sudden, the dwarf stopped his assault. He looked downward to his stomach, only to see that it had gone on vacation about 30 feet away. A mechanical, furry monstrosity had blown the dwarf apart with but a blast from his cannon-like arm. The beast, who stood at least 5 or 12 feet tall, did naught but smile. He quickly turned and sent a chilling air towards a group of dwarves. The dwarves immediately froze, and, subsequently, shattered. The mysterious slayer of dwarves turned on the closest dwarf and opened his gaping maw, replenishing his strength on the tasty snack that was the dwarf’s head. The rest of the dwarves attempted to flee, but forgot that there were walls of fire. Well, they’re dead.
The gruesome, yet strangely handsome, beast turned to us, and once again opened its maw. However, this time… it opened its maw… for peace.
“Hail, comrades. Our previous, unexpected departure was sudden and surprising, but I am once again glad to be by your side. Especially Vergil. My name is Barkus.”
Barkus, you see, was the combination of the metallic hounds left behind during my companions’ and my space adventure. He was forged together to create the ultimate barking machine out of sheer necessity and love of Vergil, and definitely not as an unexpected side effect of the locus being channeled for power. He was happy to finally be with his dearest friend, Vergil, again, and he wagged his tail-thing appropriately.
We made our way towards the locus where are allies had been fending off more dwarves, but we encountered the goggles gnome. Luckily for the gnome, he was an apparition, summoned by the true gnome with the true goggles, and was not entirely real. Unfortunately for the apparition, he had crossed paths with Barkus. It took but a split second for the gnome’s fake body to be split from his fake head, as Barkus quickly and swiftly decapitated him mysteriously with his beautiful, cannon-like arm-things. With that threat out of the way, the battle seemed over, yet the locus was dangerous and unstable. We quickly made a magical retreat at the request of our allies, and found ourselves somehow teleported to one of seven fields of rye, where we encountered our most hated enemies; those ugly chicks to whom we earlier surrendered the evil sword of god-slaying voluntarily. Dying to know what happened, are you? Well, the hour is late, and I must be going. This encounter, friends, will be a tale for next time.